I have tried so many diets in the past, from The Cambridge to Weight Watchers but they were pointless because once over, the weight simply piled on again.

This is why I am going with my FAN plan this time and I need others to do it with me.

Here is my reasoning:

Instead of finding a diet to fit your lifestyle and bearing in mind there is probably not a ´Watch TV while eating crisps and drinking beer` diet, then the answer is obvious – Change your lifestyle and habits, while ensuring you eat less but healthily, and enjoy it.

I decided to look at some of the diets which are available out there and in my naivety I thought this would be a simple task.

You would never believe how much useless information and how many ridiculous products there are out there in the crazy world of dieting.

Book after book continually lure us sad and often desperate fatties, into the snare of this or that diet. Daily the dubious benefit of one eating fad or another is shoved down our throats, with almost frightening regularity.

Advertising and the media cannot wait to jump on the bandwagon of this bulging multi billion pound industry.

A bandwagon, I must add, has been created out of misery fuelled by weaknesses.

Hundreds and hundreds of different meals, drinks, shakes, teas, pills, creams, patches and other concoctions and potions are all fighting for our attention.

Far too many of these are obviously exploitive and more worryingly so, some are thought to have long-term effects that could be dangerous.

There is the new, Beverly Hills Diet and apparently I do not even have to go there to try it. I just stuff my face with fresh fruit, mostly of the very expensive tropical variety, and watch the kilos drop off. This reminds me of the once loved, but hopelessly inadequate pineapple diet: But have you any idea what fresh pineapple juice does to tooth enamel? I reckon in about 6 months my teeth would have rotted away to their stumps.

Mind you, being toothless means a liquid only intake, so perhaps this ploy would actually keep the weight off.

However since decaying molars are not exactly attractive to the opposite sex, and since I am not on particularly good terms with a sympathetic dentist, I would prefer to enjoy whatever sex-life I have left with my lovely wife, rather than with myself or with somebody else on a paid for only basis.

Being thin but shunned is as unpleasant as being fat and mocked.

This diet claims to be all about enzyme reactions, but really it is the sort of eating regimen that becomes a fixation and probably very tempting to would be anorexics.

It’s a load of old nonsense and was clearly not worth remotely considering.

So many other American fad diets are out there:

Scarsdale or Atkins probably head the list of the most tried high protein, no carbohydrate eating trends and whose founders’ books became almost fashion accessories in themselves.

Both thought up by American doctors to fool their patients and eventually the general public into believing that they should not and will not ever eat carbohydrates again.

Who are they kidding?

You simply cannot go through life with a total abstinence from chips or baked potatoes.

It is impossible. Good grief, you are only on this earth once!

OK they both explain that you can develop incredibly bad breath or severe constipation while under the ´protein spell`, so do you really want to be a social outcast, with people gagging as they back away whenever you enter a room?

Not f—–g likely! Besides with a stomach bloated by continual constipation, you dare not venture too far from the nearest lavatory, just in case you might want to ´let rip` at some unforeseen inopportune moment.

There is evidence that removing carbohydrates from your daily intake will cause weight loss, but it is simply a ´quick fix` method of dieting, with long term effects that could be very, very harmful. Anyway, as soon as carbohydrates are eaten again, the body quickly returns to its earlier flabby state, sometimes with alarming results and often with increased ferocity.

This sudden change causes a metabolic shock to your system and the loss of weight is from water and not fat.

Apparently Dr. Atkins recently met his untimely death while out jogging. The only question is whether he was on his own diet at the time, or was he actually unhealthily overweight as he expired. It certainly puts a new meaning to the phrase ´going on an Atkins!`.

There is the French equivalent – The Montignac Diet and goodness me this was a cracker, if you will excuse the pun. Basically you must never eat potatoes or cakes again, but gallons of wine and cheese are AOK super plus. How typically French! Lose weight maybe but kill off the liver and drive up the cholesterol, certainly. The stupidity of this fad diet is outstanding and since Monsieur Montignac, I understand, owns vineyards and shares in cheese production companies, as well as being the author of many, many books, where do his true interests lie.   

Combination eating was a trend a year or so back and the basis of it was, that you split your food into three types, protein, carbohydrate and neutral and you could only eat protein with neutral food as a combination, or carbohydrates with neutral. Carbohydrates and proteins never together! The idea was that because different foodstuffs are absorbed at specific rates by the body, so by splitting them up and separating them, faster digestion occurs and you lose weight. Also certain food is banned from this diet (like sugar) which is good, and emphasis on healthy eating is also stressed, so in a way this diet is not all bad and it certainly works well for some. You are also allowed to eat as much protein as you want at one sitting, as long as you eat no carbohydrates at the same time, and likewise with carbohydrates. This is all very well until you give up the diet, and your stomach still yearns for large quantities and then consequently, the weight gain can suddenly be astronomical.

Of course there are many schemes out there, like Slimming World or Rosemary Clooney or others which might be celebrity endorsed but I believe they are all often pointless in the long-term and exploitive, with add-ons like DVDs, Books, etc. usually needed to take away your pounds and not necessarily your lbs.

I could spend days describing every available programme but why bother?

This is the basis of my FAN Fatties Anonymous Not – Eating Plan:

1. Exercise regularly within your capabilities – Options will be discussed fully at classes. If you are recovering from, or have, a serious disorder or operation, firstly consult your doctor & then attend Salli’s & her Happy Hearts well supervised classes.

2. Eat smaller well balanced portions of GOOD food using a Paul’s Portioner which I invented (You can make your own at Class One) so that your body eventually demands less input.

3. Drink plenty of water and no pop.

4. Use natural food to supplement some health issues – Also discussed at classes

5. Eat healthy fresh vegetables and salad & plenty of fruit.

6. Use the FAN club socially, for advice, encouragement, guidance, support and fun, as well as recipe swaps and shopping hints.

7. Take your home-made embarrassing LUMP everywhere with you.

8. Always follow the FAN GUIDELINES – See separate list.

* Give it a go with me – It is this Self-Help attitude which could add years to our life expectancy.

Call me – Paul – 01722 717814 – Email – faneatingplan@email.com

GOOGLE SEARCH – fattiesanonymousnot – shapeupwithsalli

 © P.S.Wilkins Jan 2012

To be a FAN – Fatties Anonymous Not – Please call 01722 717814 or email – faneatingplan@email.com

As a  FAN - Fatties Anonymous Not, you learn how to create your own LUMP, make and use a personal PAUL’S PORTIONER, adopt a FAN EATING PLAN, and also receive support and encouragement on-line.

BEFORE – DO NOT WANT TO LOOK LIKE THIS

NOW – KEEP LOOKING LIKE THIS